Laughter, Travel and Random Blokes

I decided not to go out Friday night, as I couldn't face the thought of getting up at 5 havign gone to bed at 2. As it was I might as well have gone and enjoyed myself; I tried to sleep at 930 and couldn't. I drifted off for a bit, only to be awoken by the male NFB howling along to his (amplified) acoustic guitar. I got a little sleep, adn got up at 5. After a bit of stumbling about and swearing, I made it to the coach station for the 0550 to London. I dozed on the coach and met Beth in Victoria coach station. We had an excellent time in Leeds with Clare. We went to an all you can eat chinese buffet, which was brilliant apart from the queing panic it instilled in me. The boss was lovely and managed to stay calm despite the relentless flood of hungry customers. We still obviously have the student mentality of taking 'all you can eat' literally, and eating until duck pancakes come out of our noses. We managed to break the ice cream machine, talked about sex and laughed until we were all crying and aching from it. Back at Clare's, we sat up until 430 drinking (me tea; Clare vodka). I didn't get mush sleep, since I was sharing a bed with a very fidgety and snotty Beth. We sat around drinking tea until it was time to go back into town for the return journey. Beth's coach was an hour before mine, so Clare and I walked around the closed and soggy shops for a while. My coach eventually turned up- but without a driver. We finally borded 30 mins late, by which tiem the first fluterings of a panic attack where stirring in my chest, making my heart thump and my hands shake. I was concerned, as the connection I needed to make was the last bus back to Southampton. The journey was fairly unplesent as I wsa sitting next to the toilet. The power was off so the lights and water pump didn't work. I managed to have a pee as I have a tourch on my keyring. The smell of fetid piss gradually became unbearably rank, as dozens of people discovered there was no way to flush the toilet. I chatted to Eugene for a few hours, a large African man who works in audits. We discussed everything from commitment and marriage to football. I phoned national express, and they said they would hold the coach fr me if I was late. I made it with a couple of minutes to spare, despite having allowed an hour to make the connection. I walked back with a guy who is a student at the institute. I wasn't much company as I was exhausted. It was worth going all that way though. Friends are worth making the effort for, and I haven't laughed so hard in years.

Running Away

Got stuck behing a guy on a pushbike, riding on the pavement just too quickly for me to overtake. His trousers were belted just beneath his buttocks, so the full length of his tartan boxers was on display. I just don't understand the mentality of people like that. I just want to shout 'Aren't your bollocks cold? Well pull your trousers up you idiot!!'.. surely they can't be designed to have the crotch shackling their knees like that? His comapnion had half of his head shaved to one grade, the other half slightly longer, with a wavy join like a tennis ball. I must be getting old!!

I did my 5k training run around the common today. (unless you conusult my pedometer, which says 3.6k, ho hum). I actually enjoyed it. i jogged the first km while I sorted my breathing out (horrible, hate the 1st 5 mins!!), then ran a slow but decent pace for a while. I struggled on the uphill bits (they are slight undulations, but upundulation isn't a real word, and uphill sounds more hardcore). I picked up the pace for the last km, but I misjudged this and went to fast too soon, so I spent most of the last km wheezing and dribbling like a dying asthmatic. I felt brilliant afterwards though.

..Now I'm in work (3 hours late), and I'm tired. I have quite a lot I need to do before I go to the states, and not a lot of time to do it in since I'm away this weekend. Better get on with it then!.. just a final note to say supervision was relatively painless (apart from Tim saying that the day after I get back from the states I have to give a tlak not only on my work, but on the master's student I've been helping to supervise too).

Looking forward

I couldn't speak to Andy last night because the phone took a constant hammering from about 730 till 1030. When I finally got hold of it he wasn't in his office- he had gone home because he wasn't feeling too good... but I get to see him for real a week today :0). I'm going to see a band tomorrow night, see Clare and Beth in Leeds this weekend, then I've got a busy few days of preparation- then I'll actually be there. I'm so happy... except I have a supervision meeting today, and they are usually pretty good at bringing my mood back down.

Dum de dumm

I wish I could switch off the tunes that loop around me head constantly... I wish I could concentrate on something for more than 5 minutes.

Wake up...

It took me half an hour of abuse to get out of bed. Self-abuse, but not the fun kind. I guess I'm sleeping a little better, but it doesn't seem to help; I'm still exhausted all the time. I went for a run, and the endorphines made me awake and smiley, but it wears off pretty quickly. I googled 'atypical depression', and it was a bit of a shock to see things that are normal to me listed as 'classical symptoms'. Its like finding out that parts of what defines you as a person are actually symtoms of an illness; an imbalance- actually its not LIKE that, it is that. Its a slightly deflating feeling. Its also partially comforting because it makes me think 'yeah some of the ways I react to situations are odd, and I'm working on changing that, but at least I know why I react that way.' I'm coping though, but I constantly feel like dunking my head in a sinkfull of cold water to break this horrible fog that has takne hold of my head and puffed up the skin under my eyes.

Socialising

Not a great deal has happened since my last post... well maybe it has but somehow it doesn't feel like it. I've been really knackered and going to bed stupidly early; my whole system is messed up. I can't sleep, but my dozing is punctuated by colourful crazy dreams. It seems to be settling down now, so hopefully I can get on with my life. Work is going ok; I'm very distracted, but I am getting things done. A few things get ticked off the enourmous to-do list every day.. might even get a phd in a couple of years at this rate!

We went out on thursday for the freshers pub crawl and saturday for jac's birthday. They were fun, but I'm really poor with having to spend 400 quid on a last minute flight to see Andy (and rickety baby flight to get me back to Denver airport from Laramie- so small no bus even goes there). I finally got to go to Jesters- I'm dissapointed; it's no where near as bad as people make out! What else..? Umm, I started knitting a scarf, and had a good run with Kate; it was really long and actually enjoyable, which is very different from running alone. Hopefully my spell of moderate health (knackered and fairly distracted, but not fluey) will persist and I can finish the training program before I go to Laramie. I was thinking of running the 5k as a christmas tree (green vest and shorts, tinsle, baubels and flashing lights), but I'm really skint so I can't really afford to buy a costume. Shame... maybe I'll just use the tinsel of my little tree and decorate my regular running gear :0).

I was supposed to go up to the union to meet the photoclub tonight, but I hadn't really got enough work done so I skipped it, hopefully they'll be around tomorrow lunchtime. Its a pain being based at soc when everything fun happens at the main campus; its a looong way away and the buses are fairly crap.

Not a very exciting post, but still..

Bunfight

I finally got to speak to Andy last night; he phoned me in my office, and I called him back before I went to bed. It felt wierd to be sittin in my pajamas ready for bed, with him not even at the end of his working day. It was excellent to speak to him. He hasn't really got into work or anything yet, but he has seen a house that he might rent. I got upset on the phone; I manage to not feel too bad during the day, but I can't put of the lonlyness in the evenings, especially when confronted by it. I'll book my ticket to go and see him soon, then I'll have a definate date to look forward to. I am going to struggle to pay for it, since I'm trying to clear my overdraught, but I have to go. He said he doesn't want me to come over for a 'holiday'- I know what he means; I want to go over and have 3 weeks of normality with him, where we work, and at the end of the day we go home together. That might sound dull, but its the normality I miss. Plus its not ski season or climbing season, he won't have any money having spent it all on a flat deposit, and he doesn't have a car yet.. so tis normality or nothing :0).

I tried to get up at 7, but postponed it till 9. I'm exhausted still, and the bags under my eyes show it. I went for a run finally, but it was very difficult. I started off too fast, and ended up having to stop before the end for a break. I guess this is an improvement on not being well enough to go at all. I'm really sick of my health dictating what I can and can't do, I wna tmy social life back. I went up to highfield this morning- its the clubs and societies bunfight, a day where thousands of people cram into a tiny hall and get bombared with fliers for extreme ironing. I have joined women's cricket (they allegedly have a coach, yipee!), mountaineering and photography. I won't have time to be a full member of all these, but I want to do as much as I can in my last year as a student. I aim to climb at least three or 4 wekend s (I managed one last year- pathetic!). I'll also make as many cricket practices as I can (they are on sundays so I'm going to miss about the 1st 5 weeks of training, but it can't be helped. I'm hoping to get darkroom training out of the photography club- I'd like to develope some prints as christmas presents maybe. Its something I've wanted to do for a while, so its worth joining the club, even if its only something I do a couple of times.

Tim came to see me at 2 and told me Christos has his viva tomorrow 'and if noone else has arranged anything, could you arrange his party'... I don't really know him, and it's one day's notice... it took ages to arrange Andy's party :(. I don't even know the names of any of Christos' friends to find out if they have planned anything. Tim said he was 'sorry to spring it on me'...so maybe he should do it?

Bloody Hell!!

So much for having a week without faff.. I've been running about like my arse is on fire for 2 days, and I haven't got very far. Most of my problems are stupid software issues that shouldn't be a problem but are. I have spent ages just trying to copy data, which seems to have taken a dislike to me and refuses to play for no logical reason. I, of course, take this very personally. Its very frustrating when on the odd ocassions I can actually be arsed doing some work and aren't frightened of fucking it up, that I can't make any progress through no fault of my own. There are a lack of people arouns who can help me (supervisors may be great for proof-reading and scientific discussions, but they are not much use for day to day problmes) - they failed to find money to keep Phil and Shyam on, Nev and Andy have finished up and left, and Simon must here me coming and hide...But of course I miss Andy for more than just his considerable data handling skills ;0). I miss him, and it hurts, I feel somehow detached.. We haven't spoken on the phone even yet, which is frustrating. Hopefully he'll be online in an hour or so and can send me his new phone number.

Well better check if my data has finished copying, you never know I might actually go home feeling like I've got somewhere.. not very far, but one step is better than none.

Bit better

Phsychologically I'm feeling pretty good. I've felt like shit all weekend, basically very fluey and snotty, but I think I'm starting to get better. It sucks because I've now missed quite a few days of my running program.. but I still have plenty of time to build up to 5k so I guess I should be greatful. I actually got this 'puter up and running and did a little bit of work today, so I feel a bit more back into the flow of things, which is good. I booked my ticket for Leeds to go and see lovely claire, beth and hopefully kate, so that is something to really look forward too:). The new 1st years started today, so oh fuck, I'm a 3rd year :(.

Got a bit unhappy last night. I felt really poorly so I wanted Andy there to look after me. I'm coping ok though. I got an email from him, and he sounded kind of lost and bewildered, but I guess that's normal when you have completely turned your life upside down. Hopefully he'll get a phone in the next few days and we can chat.

Arrg

God I feel ill, and blogger still doesn't like my puter :(. The way around it appers to be writing in the 'edit html' box; i'm sure it will probably have far- reaching ramifications.

Coping

Our romantic last night together didn't exactly go to plan- we spent a few hour boxing up Andy's office and transfering some of it to mine. It means when I visit him I'll probably have a suitcase full of scientific papers and slightly odd ornaments, but he didn't have time to ship everything. We finally left at about 730, only 2 and a half hours after we planned, so its fairly normal for us. We intended to go ove to hythe and take a walk, have a pizza and maybe go to a nice pub there for a pint or two. We went there when we were very first dating, and spent a few hours shivering on a bench on the water front; I had come prepared this time; I brought gloves :). We bought our tickets from the machine, and waited forlornly as the ferry departure time came and went. I rechecked the timetable- we had failed to notice that the late ferry only ran thurs-sunday. We left and I was feeling quite sniffly- I had envisioned a plesently romatic evening by the sea.. We got that in a way, eating pizza and sitting in Mayflower park, overlooking the docks, as Andy chatted to his mum on the phone. She has invited me to stay at there's , which is very sweet but it would seem a bit weird without Andy.

I went to the bus station with Andy yesterday to see him off. It was horrible as you would expect. I left very upset, and had a rndom white van passenger checking I was ok. We had a nice but brief chat until the traffic lights changed. After 20 mins sitting in a bus stop while I calmed down, I decided to give work a miss (again) and went home to catch up on some reading and sleep. Andy called and texted a few times. Quite late on I got a text, which suprised me as I knew his mbile wouldn't work in America- he was actually in manchester after a 'small' fire forced his plane to land shortly after take off. I would have been a nervous wreck; he was characteristically calm. It meant we got to chat a it more, so at least something good came of it :).

I was feeling kindof lost and bewildered, but I'm coping alright for now. I know the next year is going to be really hard, but I think its worth it. We want to be together, and I guess a year isn't that much out of the ret of our lives.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention: I'm now oficially crazy, but the new doctor I saw isn't a complete arse like the last one, so I'm happy.

I've spet a while today trying to get Andy's computer working for me (I still hadn't got around to gettin my own, and its not like he needs it now). I'm having a wierd problem that I can't click on the box in blogger to write my post, so this could be the last one I write for a while :(... and its 730, I'm still in work, and still loads to do before the comp is set up- I want it done so I can actually do work rather than faff on monday.