Yay!

27 mins 4 secs- not a bad time for my first 5k :0)

I'm all cocky now and thinking about half-marathons... could get dangerous!

I sorted things out with Andy too- just a combination of him being distracted and me being horribly insecure. We are all smiley now :0). I also saw the Incredibles and Anchorman yesterday- both hillarious :0)

Ahhh, the joy of not feeling like crap!!

Fuck!!

This is fucking stupid!! I REALLY want to get my model finished, but I can't concentrate on anything. Where the fuck is he?! I've even emailed another guy in the dept. to ask if he's seen him in the last two days. This is doing my head in. I feel like shit, I think I'm getting a cold.

Dothiepin dreams

I can't believe how quickly I can crash from feeling on top of the world, to feeling fucking aweful. I have been feeling bad, and not able to get out of bed. Despite this, I do think the tablets have been helping. I have been much better at putting myself in social stutaions, and not getting really scred, or avoiding them all together as normal. I managed to find some motivation yesterday, and actually did some work. My supervision metting went well (I was apprehensive about that, but I can't expect miracles!). I have also ALMOST finished the model I have been struggling with for 7 months, which will be such a relief as its really stopped me moving forward. All the modelling I tried lats night just fell into place, so I left in a good mood. I emailed Andy about 730 to tell him he could ring me at work, but I didn't get a reply or a phone call. I called him the night before, but he wasn't there. I got home, cooked, made bread (at 11 pm- why??!), and tried to call Andy a few times- every time I got his answer machine. I feel really bad because I have phoned and emailed and got no response for 2 days. We've still only had one proper conversation since I got back. I'm getting really unhappy- when he was writing up that always came first, but I accepted that was how it had to be. I told him I couldn't live like that forever, and he said it would be different when he had finished. Now it feels like I am second best to his job, and I feel like screaming Fuck you, I deserve better!! But part of me is going 'why hasn't he been in touch, maybe something bad has happened?' I left him 3 messages last night, the last one around midnight. I cried so much it hurt, and finally got to sleep late. I just don't know what to do - I love him, but I just feel like I'm getting my heart broken and treated liek a doormat, and its affecting my work, and my sleep, and how I feel about myself. I just don't know what to do. On the plus side, I finally managed to make myself go for a run. It was pretty tough, but the endorphines were nice. Its 1245, and I'm only just about to start work. Part of me wants to go to the pub and get hammered, talk shit and just completely chill out... but I won't, I'm not going to make myself ill because of how somebody else is making me feel.

Had crazy dreams last night..

Lazy

I finally managed to get some work done. I stayed in my office till ten, by which time I'd done a bit of work, started my first 'real' article for Wessex Scene, played with my website and pissed about. Lots. I got home, and Andy called around 1120 to say goodnight. It made me feel a whole lot better.

I still couldn't get out of bed. I woke up at 8, and actually felt ok, but I went back to sleep until 9. I couldn't make myself go for a run, which sucks because the race is on sunday. I am really tired today, and feel kindof heavy. Hopefully i can go climbing wiht my office mate and her friends tonight, and that will distract me. My back really hurts- I'd forgotten that climbing aggavates it, its been pain-free for ages. I'm just so tired and fed up, and I have a headache.... but I'll stop whinging now... Andy phoned, and I have loads of fun ideas for a science competition I'm thinking about entering...I definately feel better than yesterday, and that can only be a good thing.

Anger

I did no work yesterday; I spent a few hours browsing the web, then went home. I was knackered, and didn't have the motivation to do anything. I wanted to go to bed early after speaking to Andy, but his phone was engaged. I had food, and got a bit pissed off about the state of the kitchen- clearly the surfaces hadn't been wiped and the dishes hadn't been put away since I did it on friday morning. I really look forward to having my own place, and to not have to deal with other people's shit. I left a message for Andy to call me, but he didn't (he 'didn't realise it was me'... Hmmm, I'm sure he gets lots of friendly scousers phoning him in Wyoming). I finally got through at 9, and he didn't want to talk to me. He is really busy right now sorting things out for Costa Rica, but we have only spoken once since I got back. I knew the time difference would cause problems- I have to call him when he's at work, and therefore in 'work mode'...i.e. an uncommunicative sod. He didn't even ask me if I had a good weekend. I just asked him if I should let him get on with it, he said yes, and that was the end of our brief chat. I cried for ages; it makes me feel like shit to think he can't spare an hour to talk to me, and can't even raise up enough interest to care about how my weekend went. I had a nice card from him this morning, which cheered me up a bit, but I still hurt. I am finding getting out of bed a real struggle right now, and I don't have any motivation to work. I really don't need this additional stress.

Wales

I got a phone call at 415 on friday offering me a last minute place on a climbing trip. I literally ran home (good job I had sports gear with me!), threw some stuff in a bag and went. It was brilliant- I've missed the people and the climbing so much, but when I was depressed and tired, it always seemed like too much of an effort to go. The hut we stayed in was right at the foot of Tryfan, and when I got up on saturday I was blown away by the view. We were surrounded by hills, every colour of autum and dusted with snow. Once all the hungover people had managed to get out of bed, make a sandwich and throw some gear into a rucksack, we left. A couple of groups went off to hike and play in the snow, and the rest of us went off to search for some crags in tremadoc that were in a reasonable condition. I eneded up climbign as part of a group of six- we had 2 leaders and 4 seconds. It was freezing cold, and the bottom section of the climb was very polished and damp. Eventually we alll managed to get up it though. It was 10 minutes of pure bliis- a really classic climb. I had to use virtually every style of climbing move I've ever learned, and it was tough enouh to be rewarding, but not frightening. We got to the second pitch, and the light was begining to go. I belayed Steve, and he had a few problems- apparently our nice , challeniging severe topped out as an E1. He managed it, and Laura started up after him. I waited patiently on the tiny ledge for my turn. I never got it- Laura struggled for ages on the nasty pitch, and eventually backed off. We ended up with five of us on the ledge, with steve having to absail back down to us, retrieving his gear, and freeing Felix's stuck rope on the way down. All 6 of us had to ab off the ledge in the dark. I've only absailed once before, and I was on a safety line, and it was 2 years ago. It was pretty hairy doing it for real, in the dark, down through bushes and slippy patches of wet rock. We had a bit of an adventure though, and it ws fun. The rest of the climbers had ended up backing off theri crag because it was too slippy- so they had spent the rest of the day in a cafe waiting for us to finish.

We didn't get to climb sunday- we drove to a different crag at tremadoc, but as the guys were setting upa rope for us, it started to piss down. We went back down, and poked around a gear shop, drank hot chocolate and went back to clean the hut. I was a bit dossapointed, but you can't try climbing in n wales in novermber and expect a dry weekend!

I'm back now, exhausted and with my esk still a freezeframe of all the things I was in the middle of when I rushed off on friday!

Andy

Andy misses me. He isn't sleeping properly, and has no motivation to work. I feel bad for him, because I feel the same way he does, but part of me feels like at least I know he cares about me as much as I do about him. Part of me wishes he didn't, so then he wouldn't feel so bad right now!

Stuff

Had a bit of a weird few days; is it ever anything but? Saturday was good; I proved to myselt that I can still (just about) eun 5k, and bought yummy and healthy food (I'm determined not to repeat the 'chocolate diet' I lived on before going to the States, if only because of the affect it had on my skin). Sunday just didn't happen for me. I wanted it to, but it just didn't. I'd been really tired, probably jetlagged, but I wanted to get up and meet the women's cricket team. I woke up at 10, and was going to get up and showered... but I just didn't. I felt heavy and sluggish, and that outweighed any desire I had to do fun things. I slept all day, and woke around 4 when Kate came home. I got up and chatted to her for a while, then suddenly got flashes and darkness in front of my eyes, like I was going to black out. I felt very hot and naseous, and my skin was coated ina film of cold sweat. I went to the bathroom, and saw that my face was white and my lips grey. I decided getting up had obviously been a bad thing, so I tok a breakfast bar and orange squash to bed, and stayed their, apart form pee breaks and foraging for more breakfast bars, all evening.
I went to work on monday, but I didn't really get back into it, and did very little. I was up at 515 on tuesday, as I had to go to another dull meeting in London. I got home at tea time, and all I wanted to do was eat and phone Andy. I've been missing him terribly. I kept chekcing my email on moday, hoping he'd sent me something. I evetually realised I was being pathetic and stopped. I hadn't been able to phone him, as we had a fault on the line, but it was fixed. I called twice, but got an answering machine. I told him not to call as I was going to bed early, but I was hoping he'd have sent me an email but he didn't. Today almost didn't happen, but I managed to get up eventually. I went for a run, but I only managed 20 minutes when I was hoping for 30 or 40. I am very tired today.

Back

Well, I made it back from Wyomoing in once piece. I'm not going to write about all the things that happened there, since I kept a diary the old fashioned way. Its enough say I had some bad days, but mostly it was wonderful to be somewhere snowy and carefree with my beautiful boy. He might have to move uni soon as his boss has been offered another job. That's a real shame, as we both like Laramie. We have made some friend there too; the grad students, the people Andy lodged with when he first arrived, and it's always nice to see Mike Cheadle, since I never would have been a geophys without his help.

Being back to reality (well, a sleepy, dazed jetlagged reality!) is a bit wierd. I gave a talk at Imperial college yesterday, which took an hour and a half because the lecturers kept interuppting. The meeting was useful, but it did help highlight all the stuff I still have to do, and how little time I have left to do it in. I'm still in London because someone is giving a talk on rifted margins at 4- I get to play on the internet till then, and afterwards I can go home and sleeep :0).

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling on about nothing

Good to be back.. maybe.