Dothiepin dreams

I can't believe how quickly I can crash from feeling on top of the world, to feeling fucking aweful. I have been feeling bad, and not able to get out of bed. Despite this, I do think the tablets have been helping. I have been much better at putting myself in social stutaions, and not getting really scred, or avoiding them all together as normal. I managed to find some motivation yesterday, and actually did some work. My supervision metting went well (I was apprehensive about that, but I can't expect miracles!). I have also ALMOST finished the model I have been struggling with for 7 months, which will be such a relief as its really stopped me moving forward. All the modelling I tried lats night just fell into place, so I left in a good mood. I emailed Andy about 730 to tell him he could ring me at work, but I didn't get a reply or a phone call. I called him the night before, but he wasn't there. I got home, cooked, made bread (at 11 pm- why??!), and tried to call Andy a few times- every time I got his answer machine. I feel really bad because I have phoned and emailed and got no response for 2 days. We've still only had one proper conversation since I got back. I'm getting really unhappy- when he was writing up that always came first, but I accepted that was how it had to be. I told him I couldn't live like that forever, and he said it would be different when he had finished. Now it feels like I am second best to his job, and I feel like screaming Fuck you, I deserve better!! But part of me is going 'why hasn't he been in touch, maybe something bad has happened?' I left him 3 messages last night, the last one around midnight. I cried so much it hurt, and finally got to sleep late. I just don't know what to do - I love him, but I just feel like I'm getting my heart broken and treated liek a doormat, and its affecting my work, and my sleep, and how I feel about myself. I just don't know what to do. On the plus side, I finally managed to make myself go for a run. It was pretty tough, but the endorphines were nice. Its 1245, and I'm only just about to start work. Part of me wants to go to the pub and get hammered, talk shit and just completely chill out... but I won't, I'm not going to make myself ill because of how somebody else is making me feel.

Had crazy dreams last night..