Inertia

I managed to waste the entire working day. I feel like I'm watching myself from a distance, like people do in movies when they are on the operating theatre and things go a bit wrong- only in this place there is no bright light calling me forwards. I have this huge list of jobs I must do, and absolutely no motivation to start them; I feel so spent and tired. I had a heart to heart with Anna- she is unhappy too, but she is stubborn and refuses to give up on her phd. I just feel like its time to find something I love and throw myself at it, and this isn't it: If I threw myself at my phd I'd just slide off and remain in a sticky heap at the bottom. I tried to go and have a chat with one of my panel, but he wasn't in. It took me ages to build up the courage to talk to him, only for me to literally come up against a locked door, and its left me drained. I spent a while browsing for jobs on the internet- I found a couple of places that might still have space on PGCE courses for this year- but it would mean starting next month so if I walk, I have to walk now. I really feel backed into a corner. Anna was playing Devil's advocate and asked me why, if I feel so determined that its not what I want, am I still here. I could answer that with one word: Inertia. I feel like crap so I'm going to walk in the rain until I feel cleansed of it all, and go home and carry on making things from flourescent pink wool.