Resignation without Resolution

Really I should have started this six months ago. That's what the local Dr. in Charge of Crazy People (Southampton) would say anyway. He told me to write down how I was feeling, keep a journal of my emotions so we could spot if my fun bursts of abnormality occurred with any sort of pattern. Like maybe I get a little more crazy when Neptune is in ascension, or I eat processed cheese slices, or when Big Brother is on TV. Of course, being a stubborn Capricorn and Neptune being in ascension, I ignored him. He made me feel like I was wasting his time. 'Thanks for your visit, please come back when you are more crazy.' So I left hurt and frustrated, and cancelled all subsequent appointments. I felt that if he wasn't concerned with my erratic behaviour, then perhaps I shouldn't be either; maybe I could learn to cope with the hollow sadness, the bursts of uncomfortable, fast-paced nervous energy and the empty numbness. The numbness is the worst to cope with; its impossible to deal with a formless emotion- there is no correct reaction to a feeling you cannot name. After a few months of coping reasonably well, with the stabilising influence of my Beautiful Boy, I'm now in a slightly bewildered state. I'm currently being very nice to the Dr.'s receptionists to try and get reinstated as a patient. I'm also writing down how I feel here, because the Dr. told me to. All in all, I'm being a Well-Behaved Crazy Person, because I feel a sense of frustrated desperation, and I'm not sure what else to do... So that's why I'm here, pouring out my feelings, minor hangover fuzzy and listening to Linkin Park, like some horribly deformed teen cliche.

Anyone who knows me knows that I threaten to quit my PhD roughly once every two weeks. I simply don't have the mental energy to continue fighting for a cause I'm not dedicated to. I feel like I'm nibbling away at an impossible task, and I'm bored, frustrated and sick of feeling inferior, incapable and dwarfed by the enormity of the task. My peers are struggling too, but I don't take much comfort from this; the difference is that they are coping where I am not. I'm struggling to find an analogy: Imagine trying to eat your way through a field of corn; climb Everest with your feet tied together; find your way out of a maze blindfold. That just about covers it. I feel like a spring that has been stretched too far, and stress has taken all the bounce out of it. It's fairly joyless. Ever since I started here, I've had problems with both my mental and physical health. I'm just recovering from a two-month viral infection. It was this that forced me to face the ridiculousness of my situation. I'm tired of the crushing claustrophobia, tired of picking fights with Andy, tired of crying in the street. Something must give, and I don't want it to be me. And yet I'm still here. I'm not sure if its out of a sense of loyalty, a fear of being a failure, a reluctance to let go of my social life, or because of some small glimmer of interest and optimism about my project. I really don't know.

Its not all misery here though. My garden is beautiful now, something I can be really proud of and enjoy. I finally put my hammock up, and its like a little oasis of bliss in the turbulence of real life- even though its made of net so it causes rather unattractive arse-bulge in little diamond shapes. The cricket is coming along too- I stood up to Andy's ferocious bowling (well, ferocious compared to the 'there you go dear' style of the ladies). I also have good friends here, who try and force me to have fun against my will. Its a happy situation. If only I could get a good nights sleep though- 3 am this morning the NFBs next door let their dog out for a shit,
'There you go Rollo, Das a good boy... GOOD BOY!!'
The poor dog is probably mortified, thinking 'God, will you crazy foreigners just let me have a shit in peace, please!'

Anyway, that was traumatic (not least because blogger deleted most of this and I couldn't remember what I'd written). If I don't post for a few days I'm either working on my upgrade report (written once, but obviously not good enough to please The Boss), or I've gone away for a few days to clear my head. I don't know where. Anywhere. Just not here.