Where's you head at?

I had a great night. It was the soc ball, which was, somewhat pointlessly, held on a boat. (So it was just like a normal disco, but it was more expensive, and occasionally the dance floor would lurch sideways). It was good fun, and I looked classy until I got under the UV light and my white bra started glowing through my red dress. I solved this by taking it off, and waving it around my head, thus squeezing the last few drops of class out of my act. The music was pretty good- starting with some motown while we were sober, moving to chart cheeze when we were all trollied, and winding up with some xmas tunes. I had a nice dance with Alex- when he's not throwing wild shapes, the boy can move! He's a very good lead. Me and Steph had to walk home becasue we couldn't find a taxi, and Steph got sick of me hobblign pathetically in bare feet, so she gave me her boots and walked in my toe pinching stilletoes. I fell into bed, and forgot to take my pill, oops. I woke at 5, and couldn't get back to sleep. Eventually I slipped back into a doze, and had the most amazing dream. It really affected me, the imagery was obscure, but it seemed to have hidden meaning, and it has been troubling me. I woke feeling confused, and pretty out of it. The dream has been preying on my mind and distracting me. I won't describe it in detail, since it wouldn't sound sensible or particularly interesting, but there was a part where a handsome bloke was trying to teach me to fly; we were trapped and he was trying to give me the confidence to escape. I leaned close to kiss him, but slowly and hesitantly, just like any sober first kiss. He started to laugh, and told me basically to get on with it! I kissed him, and it was tender and comforting. I've had the same dream before, some time ago.

Guess I should go and get some lunch, and maybe play with my 'peekaboo poledancing kit'- I REALLY appreciated Andy sendign this particular gift to me via work stores. I've not done anything today, but I feel like getting out of here, there's some ghosts I can't quite see lingering in my head still.

Heavy gravity

One day, maybe when I'm about 65, I might actually finish my velocity model/ gravity model, and have something worth writing a thesis on. Its going alright, I just want it done, I feel like putting my foot through the monitor every time something doesn't look right (every 5 mins then).

I have yet another cold, and I'm feeling pretty crappy, but I'm goign to go out wed/thurs/fri, so that should kill/cure me. I'll try not to get hammered and tell Naoise what 'lovely eyes' she has this time! Poor girl!!

Andy gets home a week tomorrow, hurray! And I have to pick him up at 0620, boo!

Back to the modelling...

The Roaches

Our head torches cut thick, white cones ahead of us, stopping abruptly against a wall of inpeneratable fog. We followed the path to the hut, each isolated in our own small puddle of light. The hut windows made hazy yellow beacons, and gave the building a strangly sinister appeal, like the lone house that is always conveniently located on a desolate moor, when a young horror-film couple experience mechanical difficulties. The mist pushes against the crenulations and boulders that form the structure of this odd hut. We shut out the cold with doors and beer.
The next morning, the crag is still damp from the touch of the fog, but the sky is clean and cold. The hut is right at the bottom of the crag, so we can oscillate between cold climbs, and hot tea and toast. We climb until it is dark, and I am minorly humiliated when I get stuck in a tiny squeeze chimney at the top of a route. After much swearing, giggling, bruising and sheadding gear, I finally give up, and plop back out of the hole. This was despite Will's best efforts at pushing me up. He spent a considerable ammount of time standing between my flailing legs, causing him to comment that he felt 'like a gynaecolagist'.. nice. We got drunk and giggled the eavening away, helped by obscene conversation and bangers and mash.
The next day broke, and we once again found ourselves in a whiteout. Cormac swore lots, and was emotionally bullied into makeing tea for everyone. The mist lifted, and we finally went back to the crag. Sarah taught me how to prussik up a rope, which meant I spent a long time spiraling and bouncing on the bottom of her very strechy rope, and moving in any direction other than up. After that, Cormac led us up Valkyrie. I managed the first pitch, despite falling several times near the start of the route. I sat on the belay ledge shivering, as Sarah sped up the route. Cormac began the nasty traverse at the start of the second pitch, and the fog closed in again. He eventually back off, and we ab'd off back to earth. By this time, I was very tired and cold, and was finding concentrating a challenge. We warmed up with cheese on toast, and reflected on what an awesome weekend it had been. God, I love these weekends- why can't real life be like them!?

No Comment

I have another cold, so every time I sit down I want to go to sleep- drving up to the Roaches and camping for 2 night should be fun then! I went and did my journalist act on wednesday, covering a talk by Simon Singh for local school kids. It was awesome- I intervied him (briefly)- he had said earlier in the talk that he didn't like geologist, so that gave me a nice opening line :0). I've written the article, and I'm pleased with it, so I thought I'd post it:

...except it's not letting me paste into this window, bloody blogger!

Ah well, life's pretty good. Had a minor argument with Andy last night, which obviously sucked, but he did ring back later to apologise. I don't know what's going on there, and it is worrying me, but hopefully it'll all sort itself out soon.

Yay!

27 mins 4 secs- not a bad time for my first 5k :0)

I'm all cocky now and thinking about half-marathons... could get dangerous!

I sorted things out with Andy too- just a combination of him being distracted and me being horribly insecure. We are all smiley now :0). I also saw the Incredibles and Anchorman yesterday- both hillarious :0)

Ahhh, the joy of not feeling like crap!!

Fuck!!

This is fucking stupid!! I REALLY want to get my model finished, but I can't concentrate on anything. Where the fuck is he?! I've even emailed another guy in the dept. to ask if he's seen him in the last two days. This is doing my head in. I feel like shit, I think I'm getting a cold.

Dothiepin dreams

I can't believe how quickly I can crash from feeling on top of the world, to feeling fucking aweful. I have been feeling bad, and not able to get out of bed. Despite this, I do think the tablets have been helping. I have been much better at putting myself in social stutaions, and not getting really scred, or avoiding them all together as normal. I managed to find some motivation yesterday, and actually did some work. My supervision metting went well (I was apprehensive about that, but I can't expect miracles!). I have also ALMOST finished the model I have been struggling with for 7 months, which will be such a relief as its really stopped me moving forward. All the modelling I tried lats night just fell into place, so I left in a good mood. I emailed Andy about 730 to tell him he could ring me at work, but I didn't get a reply or a phone call. I called him the night before, but he wasn't there. I got home, cooked, made bread (at 11 pm- why??!), and tried to call Andy a few times- every time I got his answer machine. I feel really bad because I have phoned and emailed and got no response for 2 days. We've still only had one proper conversation since I got back. I'm getting really unhappy- when he was writing up that always came first, but I accepted that was how it had to be. I told him I couldn't live like that forever, and he said it would be different when he had finished. Now it feels like I am second best to his job, and I feel like screaming Fuck you, I deserve better!! But part of me is going 'why hasn't he been in touch, maybe something bad has happened?' I left him 3 messages last night, the last one around midnight. I cried so much it hurt, and finally got to sleep late. I just don't know what to do - I love him, but I just feel like I'm getting my heart broken and treated liek a doormat, and its affecting my work, and my sleep, and how I feel about myself. I just don't know what to do. On the plus side, I finally managed to make myself go for a run. It was pretty tough, but the endorphines were nice. Its 1245, and I'm only just about to start work. Part of me wants to go to the pub and get hammered, talk shit and just completely chill out... but I won't, I'm not going to make myself ill because of how somebody else is making me feel.

Had crazy dreams last night..

Lazy

I finally managed to get some work done. I stayed in my office till ten, by which time I'd done a bit of work, started my first 'real' article for Wessex Scene, played with my website and pissed about. Lots. I got home, and Andy called around 1120 to say goodnight. It made me feel a whole lot better.

I still couldn't get out of bed. I woke up at 8, and actually felt ok, but I went back to sleep until 9. I couldn't make myself go for a run, which sucks because the race is on sunday. I am really tired today, and feel kindof heavy. Hopefully i can go climbing wiht my office mate and her friends tonight, and that will distract me. My back really hurts- I'd forgotten that climbing aggavates it, its been pain-free for ages. I'm just so tired and fed up, and I have a headache.... but I'll stop whinging now... Andy phoned, and I have loads of fun ideas for a science competition I'm thinking about entering...I definately feel better than yesterday, and that can only be a good thing.

Anger

I did no work yesterday; I spent a few hours browsing the web, then went home. I was knackered, and didn't have the motivation to do anything. I wanted to go to bed early after speaking to Andy, but his phone was engaged. I had food, and got a bit pissed off about the state of the kitchen- clearly the surfaces hadn't been wiped and the dishes hadn't been put away since I did it on friday morning. I really look forward to having my own place, and to not have to deal with other people's shit. I left a message for Andy to call me, but he didn't (he 'didn't realise it was me'... Hmmm, I'm sure he gets lots of friendly scousers phoning him in Wyoming). I finally got through at 9, and he didn't want to talk to me. He is really busy right now sorting things out for Costa Rica, but we have only spoken once since I got back. I knew the time difference would cause problems- I have to call him when he's at work, and therefore in 'work mode'...i.e. an uncommunicative sod. He didn't even ask me if I had a good weekend. I just asked him if I should let him get on with it, he said yes, and that was the end of our brief chat. I cried for ages; it makes me feel like shit to think he can't spare an hour to talk to me, and can't even raise up enough interest to care about how my weekend went. I had a nice card from him this morning, which cheered me up a bit, but I still hurt. I am finding getting out of bed a real struggle right now, and I don't have any motivation to work. I really don't need this additional stress.

Wales

I got a phone call at 415 on friday offering me a last minute place on a climbing trip. I literally ran home (good job I had sports gear with me!), threw some stuff in a bag and went. It was brilliant- I've missed the people and the climbing so much, but when I was depressed and tired, it always seemed like too much of an effort to go. The hut we stayed in was right at the foot of Tryfan, and when I got up on saturday I was blown away by the view. We were surrounded by hills, every colour of autum and dusted with snow. Once all the hungover people had managed to get out of bed, make a sandwich and throw some gear into a rucksack, we left. A couple of groups went off to hike and play in the snow, and the rest of us went off to search for some crags in tremadoc that were in a reasonable condition. I eneded up climbign as part of a group of six- we had 2 leaders and 4 seconds. It was freezing cold, and the bottom section of the climb was very polished and damp. Eventually we alll managed to get up it though. It was 10 minutes of pure bliis- a really classic climb. I had to use virtually every style of climbing move I've ever learned, and it was tough enouh to be rewarding, but not frightening. We got to the second pitch, and the light was begining to go. I belayed Steve, and he had a few problems- apparently our nice , challeniging severe topped out as an E1. He managed it, and Laura started up after him. I waited patiently on the tiny ledge for my turn. I never got it- Laura struggled for ages on the nasty pitch, and eventually backed off. We ended up with five of us on the ledge, with steve having to absail back down to us, retrieving his gear, and freeing Felix's stuck rope on the way down. All 6 of us had to ab off the ledge in the dark. I've only absailed once before, and I was on a safety line, and it was 2 years ago. It was pretty hairy doing it for real, in the dark, down through bushes and slippy patches of wet rock. We had a bit of an adventure though, and it ws fun. The rest of the climbers had ended up backing off theri crag because it was too slippy- so they had spent the rest of the day in a cafe waiting for us to finish.

We didn't get to climb sunday- we drove to a different crag at tremadoc, but as the guys were setting upa rope for us, it started to piss down. We went back down, and poked around a gear shop, drank hot chocolate and went back to clean the hut. I was a bit dossapointed, but you can't try climbing in n wales in novermber and expect a dry weekend!

I'm back now, exhausted and with my esk still a freezeframe of all the things I was in the middle of when I rushed off on friday!

Andy

Andy misses me. He isn't sleeping properly, and has no motivation to work. I feel bad for him, because I feel the same way he does, but part of me feels like at least I know he cares about me as much as I do about him. Part of me wishes he didn't, so then he wouldn't feel so bad right now!

Stuff

Had a bit of a weird few days; is it ever anything but? Saturday was good; I proved to myselt that I can still (just about) eun 5k, and bought yummy and healthy food (I'm determined not to repeat the 'chocolate diet' I lived on before going to the States, if only because of the affect it had on my skin). Sunday just didn't happen for me. I wanted it to, but it just didn't. I'd been really tired, probably jetlagged, but I wanted to get up and meet the women's cricket team. I woke up at 10, and was going to get up and showered... but I just didn't. I felt heavy and sluggish, and that outweighed any desire I had to do fun things. I slept all day, and woke around 4 when Kate came home. I got up and chatted to her for a while, then suddenly got flashes and darkness in front of my eyes, like I was going to black out. I felt very hot and naseous, and my skin was coated ina film of cold sweat. I went to the bathroom, and saw that my face was white and my lips grey. I decided getting up had obviously been a bad thing, so I tok a breakfast bar and orange squash to bed, and stayed their, apart form pee breaks and foraging for more breakfast bars, all evening.
I went to work on monday, but I didn't really get back into it, and did very little. I was up at 515 on tuesday, as I had to go to another dull meeting in London. I got home at tea time, and all I wanted to do was eat and phone Andy. I've been missing him terribly. I kept chekcing my email on moday, hoping he'd sent me something. I evetually realised I was being pathetic and stopped. I hadn't been able to phone him, as we had a fault on the line, but it was fixed. I called twice, but got an answering machine. I told him not to call as I was going to bed early, but I was hoping he'd have sent me an email but he didn't. Today almost didn't happen, but I managed to get up eventually. I went for a run, but I only managed 20 minutes when I was hoping for 30 or 40. I am very tired today.

Back

Well, I made it back from Wyomoing in once piece. I'm not going to write about all the things that happened there, since I kept a diary the old fashioned way. Its enough say I had some bad days, but mostly it was wonderful to be somewhere snowy and carefree with my beautiful boy. He might have to move uni soon as his boss has been offered another job. That's a real shame, as we both like Laramie. We have made some friend there too; the grad students, the people Andy lodged with when he first arrived, and it's always nice to see Mike Cheadle, since I never would have been a geophys without his help.

Being back to reality (well, a sleepy, dazed jetlagged reality!) is a bit wierd. I gave a talk at Imperial college yesterday, which took an hour and a half because the lecturers kept interuppting. The meeting was useful, but it did help highlight all the stuff I still have to do, and how little time I have left to do it in. I'm still in London because someone is giving a talk on rifted margins at 4- I get to play on the internet till then, and afterwards I can go home and sleeep :0).

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling on about nothing

Good to be back.. maybe.

Laughter, Travel and Random Blokes

I decided not to go out Friday night, as I couldn't face the thought of getting up at 5 havign gone to bed at 2. As it was I might as well have gone and enjoyed myself; I tried to sleep at 930 and couldn't. I drifted off for a bit, only to be awoken by the male NFB howling along to his (amplified) acoustic guitar. I got a little sleep, adn got up at 5. After a bit of stumbling about and swearing, I made it to the coach station for the 0550 to London. I dozed on the coach and met Beth in Victoria coach station. We had an excellent time in Leeds with Clare. We went to an all you can eat chinese buffet, which was brilliant apart from the queing panic it instilled in me. The boss was lovely and managed to stay calm despite the relentless flood of hungry customers. We still obviously have the student mentality of taking 'all you can eat' literally, and eating until duck pancakes come out of our noses. We managed to break the ice cream machine, talked about sex and laughed until we were all crying and aching from it. Back at Clare's, we sat up until 430 drinking (me tea; Clare vodka). I didn't get mush sleep, since I was sharing a bed with a very fidgety and snotty Beth. We sat around drinking tea until it was time to go back into town for the return journey. Beth's coach was an hour before mine, so Clare and I walked around the closed and soggy shops for a while. My coach eventually turned up- but without a driver. We finally borded 30 mins late, by which tiem the first fluterings of a panic attack where stirring in my chest, making my heart thump and my hands shake. I was concerned, as the connection I needed to make was the last bus back to Southampton. The journey was fairly unplesent as I wsa sitting next to the toilet. The power was off so the lights and water pump didn't work. I managed to have a pee as I have a tourch on my keyring. The smell of fetid piss gradually became unbearably rank, as dozens of people discovered there was no way to flush the toilet. I chatted to Eugene for a few hours, a large African man who works in audits. We discussed everything from commitment and marriage to football. I phoned national express, and they said they would hold the coach fr me if I was late. I made it with a couple of minutes to spare, despite having allowed an hour to make the connection. I walked back with a guy who is a student at the institute. I wasn't much company as I was exhausted. It was worth going all that way though. Friends are worth making the effort for, and I haven't laughed so hard in years.

Running Away

Got stuck behing a guy on a pushbike, riding on the pavement just too quickly for me to overtake. His trousers were belted just beneath his buttocks, so the full length of his tartan boxers was on display. I just don't understand the mentality of people like that. I just want to shout 'Aren't your bollocks cold? Well pull your trousers up you idiot!!'.. surely they can't be designed to have the crotch shackling their knees like that? His comapnion had half of his head shaved to one grade, the other half slightly longer, with a wavy join like a tennis ball. I must be getting old!!

I did my 5k training run around the common today. (unless you conusult my pedometer, which says 3.6k, ho hum). I actually enjoyed it. i jogged the first km while I sorted my breathing out (horrible, hate the 1st 5 mins!!), then ran a slow but decent pace for a while. I struggled on the uphill bits (they are slight undulations, but upundulation isn't a real word, and uphill sounds more hardcore). I picked up the pace for the last km, but I misjudged this and went to fast too soon, so I spent most of the last km wheezing and dribbling like a dying asthmatic. I felt brilliant afterwards though.

..Now I'm in work (3 hours late), and I'm tired. I have quite a lot I need to do before I go to the states, and not a lot of time to do it in since I'm away this weekend. Better get on with it then!.. just a final note to say supervision was relatively painless (apart from Tim saying that the day after I get back from the states I have to give a tlak not only on my work, but on the master's student I've been helping to supervise too).

Looking forward

I couldn't speak to Andy last night because the phone took a constant hammering from about 730 till 1030. When I finally got hold of it he wasn't in his office- he had gone home because he wasn't feeling too good... but I get to see him for real a week today :0). I'm going to see a band tomorrow night, see Clare and Beth in Leeds this weekend, then I've got a busy few days of preparation- then I'll actually be there. I'm so happy... except I have a supervision meeting today, and they are usually pretty good at bringing my mood back down.

Dum de dumm

I wish I could switch off the tunes that loop around me head constantly... I wish I could concentrate on something for more than 5 minutes.

Wake up...

It took me half an hour of abuse to get out of bed. Self-abuse, but not the fun kind. I guess I'm sleeping a little better, but it doesn't seem to help; I'm still exhausted all the time. I went for a run, and the endorphines made me awake and smiley, but it wears off pretty quickly. I googled 'atypical depression', and it was a bit of a shock to see things that are normal to me listed as 'classical symptoms'. Its like finding out that parts of what defines you as a person are actually symtoms of an illness; an imbalance- actually its not LIKE that, it is that. Its a slightly deflating feeling. Its also partially comforting because it makes me think 'yeah some of the ways I react to situations are odd, and I'm working on changing that, but at least I know why I react that way.' I'm coping though, but I constantly feel like dunking my head in a sinkfull of cold water to break this horrible fog that has takne hold of my head and puffed up the skin under my eyes.

Socialising

Not a great deal has happened since my last post... well maybe it has but somehow it doesn't feel like it. I've been really knackered and going to bed stupidly early; my whole system is messed up. I can't sleep, but my dozing is punctuated by colourful crazy dreams. It seems to be settling down now, so hopefully I can get on with my life. Work is going ok; I'm very distracted, but I am getting things done. A few things get ticked off the enourmous to-do list every day.. might even get a phd in a couple of years at this rate!

We went out on thursday for the freshers pub crawl and saturday for jac's birthday. They were fun, but I'm really poor with having to spend 400 quid on a last minute flight to see Andy (and rickety baby flight to get me back to Denver airport from Laramie- so small no bus even goes there). I finally got to go to Jesters- I'm dissapointed; it's no where near as bad as people make out! What else..? Umm, I started knitting a scarf, and had a good run with Kate; it was really long and actually enjoyable, which is very different from running alone. Hopefully my spell of moderate health (knackered and fairly distracted, but not fluey) will persist and I can finish the training program before I go to Laramie. I was thinking of running the 5k as a christmas tree (green vest and shorts, tinsle, baubels and flashing lights), but I'm really skint so I can't really afford to buy a costume. Shame... maybe I'll just use the tinsel of my little tree and decorate my regular running gear :0).

I was supposed to go up to the union to meet the photoclub tonight, but I hadn't really got enough work done so I skipped it, hopefully they'll be around tomorrow lunchtime. Its a pain being based at soc when everything fun happens at the main campus; its a looong way away and the buses are fairly crap.

Not a very exciting post, but still..

Bunfight

I finally got to speak to Andy last night; he phoned me in my office, and I called him back before I went to bed. It felt wierd to be sittin in my pajamas ready for bed, with him not even at the end of his working day. It was excellent to speak to him. He hasn't really got into work or anything yet, but he has seen a house that he might rent. I got upset on the phone; I manage to not feel too bad during the day, but I can't put of the lonlyness in the evenings, especially when confronted by it. I'll book my ticket to go and see him soon, then I'll have a definate date to look forward to. I am going to struggle to pay for it, since I'm trying to clear my overdraught, but I have to go. He said he doesn't want me to come over for a 'holiday'- I know what he means; I want to go over and have 3 weeks of normality with him, where we work, and at the end of the day we go home together. That might sound dull, but its the normality I miss. Plus its not ski season or climbing season, he won't have any money having spent it all on a flat deposit, and he doesn't have a car yet.. so tis normality or nothing :0).

I tried to get up at 7, but postponed it till 9. I'm exhausted still, and the bags under my eyes show it. I went for a run finally, but it was very difficult. I started off too fast, and ended up having to stop before the end for a break. I guess this is an improvement on not being well enough to go at all. I'm really sick of my health dictating what I can and can't do, I wna tmy social life back. I went up to highfield this morning- its the clubs and societies bunfight, a day where thousands of people cram into a tiny hall and get bombared with fliers for extreme ironing. I have joined women's cricket (they allegedly have a coach, yipee!), mountaineering and photography. I won't have time to be a full member of all these, but I want to do as much as I can in my last year as a student. I aim to climb at least three or 4 wekend s (I managed one last year- pathetic!). I'll also make as many cricket practices as I can (they are on sundays so I'm going to miss about the 1st 5 weeks of training, but it can't be helped. I'm hoping to get darkroom training out of the photography club- I'd like to develope some prints as christmas presents maybe. Its something I've wanted to do for a while, so its worth joining the club, even if its only something I do a couple of times.

Tim came to see me at 2 and told me Christos has his viva tomorrow 'and if noone else has arranged anything, could you arrange his party'... I don't really know him, and it's one day's notice... it took ages to arrange Andy's party :(. I don't even know the names of any of Christos' friends to find out if they have planned anything. Tim said he was 'sorry to spring it on me'...so maybe he should do it?

Bloody Hell!!

So much for having a week without faff.. I've been running about like my arse is on fire for 2 days, and I haven't got very far. Most of my problems are stupid software issues that shouldn't be a problem but are. I have spent ages just trying to copy data, which seems to have taken a dislike to me and refuses to play for no logical reason. I, of course, take this very personally. Its very frustrating when on the odd ocassions I can actually be arsed doing some work and aren't frightened of fucking it up, that I can't make any progress through no fault of my own. There are a lack of people arouns who can help me (supervisors may be great for proof-reading and scientific discussions, but they are not much use for day to day problmes) - they failed to find money to keep Phil and Shyam on, Nev and Andy have finished up and left, and Simon must here me coming and hide...But of course I miss Andy for more than just his considerable data handling skills ;0). I miss him, and it hurts, I feel somehow detached.. We haven't spoken on the phone even yet, which is frustrating. Hopefully he'll be online in an hour or so and can send me his new phone number.

Well better check if my data has finished copying, you never know I might actually go home feeling like I've got somewhere.. not very far, but one step is better than none.

Bit better

Phsychologically I'm feeling pretty good. I've felt like shit all weekend, basically very fluey and snotty, but I think I'm starting to get better. It sucks because I've now missed quite a few days of my running program.. but I still have plenty of time to build up to 5k so I guess I should be greatful. I actually got this 'puter up and running and did a little bit of work today, so I feel a bit more back into the flow of things, which is good. I booked my ticket for Leeds to go and see lovely claire, beth and hopefully kate, so that is something to really look forward too:). The new 1st years started today, so oh fuck, I'm a 3rd year :(.

Got a bit unhappy last night. I felt really poorly so I wanted Andy there to look after me. I'm coping ok though. I got an email from him, and he sounded kind of lost and bewildered, but I guess that's normal when you have completely turned your life upside down. Hopefully he'll get a phone in the next few days and we can chat.

Arrg

God I feel ill, and blogger still doesn't like my puter :(. The way around it appers to be writing in the 'edit html' box; i'm sure it will probably have far- reaching ramifications.

Coping

Our romantic last night together didn't exactly go to plan- we spent a few hour boxing up Andy's office and transfering some of it to mine. It means when I visit him I'll probably have a suitcase full of scientific papers and slightly odd ornaments, but he didn't have time to ship everything. We finally left at about 730, only 2 and a half hours after we planned, so its fairly normal for us. We intended to go ove to hythe and take a walk, have a pizza and maybe go to a nice pub there for a pint or two. We went there when we were very first dating, and spent a few hours shivering on a bench on the water front; I had come prepared this time; I brought gloves :). We bought our tickets from the machine, and waited forlornly as the ferry departure time came and went. I rechecked the timetable- we had failed to notice that the late ferry only ran thurs-sunday. We left and I was feeling quite sniffly- I had envisioned a plesently romatic evening by the sea.. We got that in a way, eating pizza and sitting in Mayflower park, overlooking the docks, as Andy chatted to his mum on the phone. She has invited me to stay at there's , which is very sweet but it would seem a bit weird without Andy.

I went to the bus station with Andy yesterday to see him off. It was horrible as you would expect. I left very upset, and had a rndom white van passenger checking I was ok. We had a nice but brief chat until the traffic lights changed. After 20 mins sitting in a bus stop while I calmed down, I decided to give work a miss (again) and went home to catch up on some reading and sleep. Andy called and texted a few times. Quite late on I got a text, which suprised me as I knew his mbile wouldn't work in America- he was actually in manchester after a 'small' fire forced his plane to land shortly after take off. I would have been a nervous wreck; he was characteristically calm. It meant we got to chat a it more, so at least something good came of it :).

I was feeling kindof lost and bewildered, but I'm coping alright for now. I know the next year is going to be really hard, but I think its worth it. We want to be together, and I guess a year isn't that much out of the ret of our lives.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention: I'm now oficially crazy, but the new doctor I saw isn't a complete arse like the last one, so I'm happy.

I've spet a while today trying to get Andy's computer working for me (I still hadn't got around to gettin my own, and its not like he needs it now). I'm having a wierd problem that I can't click on the box in blogger to write my post, so this could be the last one I write for a while :(... and its 730, I'm still in work, and still loads to do before the comp is set up- I want it done so I can actually do work rather than faff on monday.

Whistle-stop tour

..of a busy few weeks!
I haven't been online for ages, so I need to catch up with myself. I went up to Leeds a couple of weeks ago for Phil's wedding. It was lovely, and not as scary as the last church wedding I went to! Phil was on a real high; he's such a nice guy it made the day really special. Andy and I stayed at the Headingly Lodge, which looks right out over the cricket pitch, so we were both happy (sad, I know). The next day we went for a drive to Ilkley, and walked up to the Cow and Calf Rock. There are some excellent climbing routes there, but we were slightly lacking in any equiptment. I did try a heroic solo of a nice off-width crack,... but gave up after about 3 seconds of scary trainer sliding on wet rock type traumas. After a walk, during which we dislodged grouse from the scrubby undergrowth (damn, keep getting the famous grouse advert music in my head), we headed back into town. I got the train to my parents, and Andy drove back to Southampton.

I was at a conference in Liverpool for a few days. It was useful to do a talk, but also it was excellent to meet up with so many friends. I had a brilliant night in the Krazy House for a barginous 6 quid :)- I'm trying to cut back on drinking to help with the running and also my general health, but its great to see its not inhibiting my fun :). That weekend, I was back in Yorkshire, as dad was at an Army Cadet camp in Catterick. I tagged along and it was fun, appart from getting lost on the tank training ground, oops. North Yorkshire is truley beautiful, and my only regret is I never had a camera with me. You couls spend days hiking and photographing, its wonderful.

After Liverpool, I went to Swindon for 2 days to do a 'Communicating Science to the Public' course. I was a bit annoyed about the 800 quid cancellation fee- the time when Andy leaves is fast approaching, so the last thing I wanted was to spend 2 days in Swindon... But actually the course was a brilliant laugh. I wanted to be a journalist when I was a kid, and it kind of took me back into that. It was emotionally very drainign though- I had to defend my project when there is no human interest side to it; its basically pointless.

I finally got back to Soton, and its brilliant to see Andy again. We went to Jongleurs on friday with Anna and Ros, but I spoiled it a bit by being a miserable cow; I really didn't want to spoil Andy's night out, but I feel so bad. I have yet another cold, and I feel like my insides are being pulled out- I'd do anything to not have to say goodbye to Andy on thursday. Its like a real brokenhearted feeling, and its excrutiating. Its so hard to cope with, because it feels almost like a premature ending to something amazing. Hopefully I'll get to visit in November, but its a long stretch from waking up next to somebody every day.

I just had a nice sunday lunch with Andy, Simon, Jules and Chris, and now I'm in work... but only to write this and do some faffing before I get back into work tomorrow. I've just discovered that the guy who is supposed to be doing some of my data processing (becasue I'm basically incompetant) is leaving on wednesday.. so you could say I'm fairly screwed! Ah well, good to be back?

Roaring Sucess

Andy took me to London to see the Lion King. I've been waiting 5 years to see it, so I couldn't help crying like a sad, soggy girl when it started. It was excellent; the staging is clever and some of the costumes are stunning. We managed to meet up with Tor before the show, and she took us to a cheap Chinese cafe in South Kensington. Cheap, tasty food in London? Hmmm, must be dog meat surely.

It was the staff-student cricket match yesterday, and it was fun. I wimped out of bowling, but my fielding was ok, and I got 8 runs, which is my new personal best :)... so I had to annoy everyone by jumping up and down and chanting 'PERSONAL BEST' repeatedly. I never fulfilled my ambition of throwing something small and hard at Tim though, shame.

The In-Laws

I had some 'good' news on friday- Andy is facing a delay in getting his visa, so he has had to postpone his flight until the 30th, so I get to spend a little longer with him- its not great news for him so I'm trying not to be too pleased! He wants to take me to London tomorrow to a show, I'm really excited, but it does mean I better get a move on and finish my talk and poster for the Liverpool conference. I don't know what he is taking me to see - I think it will either be something orschestral, a mid summer night's dream, something his brother is working on (he does technical stuff) or the lion king- whatever, it is really nice of him and a complete suprise. He didn't have to try too hard to convince me to take a day off, either :).

We spent the weekend in Norwich with Gwenny, his nan. She is lovely and made us very welcome. We took her to see her sister in the car, which was stressful for me since I was paranoid about doing anything wrong while I was driving! Gwenny wasn't exactly sure of the way, either, so we spent a while cicling the town's one-way system, while she got annoyed at herself. Her sister and her husband were friendly, and gave us cake and gradening tips. We didn't stay too long though, as her sister has just had an oppertation so was feeling tired. I felt sad when we left Norwich- Gwenny looked sad to see us go. It was a bit wierd walking around the town though, and passing so many places I used to go with Nick. I guess you really can't predict how the future will turn out.

Cricket practice, as yet, is actually not cancelled for a change, so I'm looking forward to that (if I can stay awake long enough). It will be my last pracitse before the dreaded Staff/student match on wednesday. I managed to go running today as well- I'm definately getting fitter, although after I finished someone had apparently replaced my thighs with painful jelly. The bastards.

This sport buisness ain't too bad after all..

I'm really pleased that I played in the cricket match last night. It was friendly, and I never let any balls go through my legs for 4 this week, so I feel like I've redeamed myself. I was comfortable batting too- I scored hardly any runs, but I was seeing the ball well, and actually made a few proper defensive strokes, rather than just slashing at it and missing like I normally do. The bowlers were really sloooowww, so it was nice. I wanted to leave when it finished, but Andy wanted to stay for a couple of pints. We didn''t eat until after 10, which made me grumpy becasue I am really tired and wanted to go to bes early. I think I need to try and rest more, I have been training really hard, and its going well but I'm very tired. I have to drive up to Norwich tonight, but I will try and rest lots this weekend. I'm sure Andy's gran will feed us lots of cake, and that will help.
I ran (jogged really) for 20 mins today, running 3 mins and 1 min walk breaks. I was worried about doing it, but it wasn't too bad, so I must be improving. The last 5 mins I actually enjoyed, which is novel and possibly masochistic. I'll get there, I will do my 5k and a 10k or two :).
I need to find a new cricket club- SOC is wonderful for social cricket, but I'm getting pissed off with the women's club, after a month of cancelled practises 'because its raining slightly and it wouldn't be good if the whole team came down with flu'...women!! for god's sake!!! I'm hoping to get on the uni team next moth, if it still exists. I should be able to rejoin the climbing club too, I only went away with them once this year, I must rectify this; I'm fighting to get my life back after months of stress and misery, and it seems to be working (if I could just get more sleep!)
Just two more weekends with my beautiful boy, and then my life as it is now collapses. I'm trying to hold it all together, but its very difficult. We have been together for almost a year, lived together for most of that, and now I have to readjust. I'm going to miss all the non-verbal stuff you can't get from a phone call or email.

Ouch!

Just when does this running lark stop hurting and become fun? It was really difficult today; my knees hurt, I was out of breath, and my back complained continually. Even the endorphines wern't as good as last time- maybe I've become an addict, and the hit is slowly decreasing. I put my application form in the post for the 5k in november, so there is no backing out now.. but it huuurrrttsss!!!

Jogging Along

After almost a week of work avoidance issues, I'm back... doing very little. Tor is visiting from Imperial today, so we had discussions about our work...and life...and jogging, but it must count for something. I feel useful; I burned a cd for her. It took a while- my cd drive is shagged. This is really annoying as I will have to pay to get it fixed myself since it isn't a university-owned computer. I was supposed to come in yesterday, but I slept in, went for a run, and then went 'sod it, its a bank holiday!!'. My run was interesting- there is a fair on on the common, so I spent the first few minutes leapfrogging pushchairs and grannys. It was also knackering- week two of The Plan is much harder than week 1 :(. Jac doesn't seem very keen on running with me anymore either- surley I'm not that scary?? I have found a 10k race in january, which about the right time-scale if I keep going- but it does mean training through winter. I had a minor triumph (I can't believe how sad I am saying this) in that I finished half of the flourescent child's bag that I am knitting. I sacrafised my Simms playing time to do this, so now Andy has a much more popular Sim than me- hopefully i'm more popular in real life to make up for it!! Spoke to my parent on the weekend, wiht dad tittering as he half-watched the olympic closign ceremony, and repeatedly told me how brilliant Kelly Holmes is. Parents, eh? Better do some work now...

Survival

I felt like I deserved a bit of a skive after the hell of my upgrade meeting- but on the plus side I passed. This means the ball is well and truly in my court- If I want to stay I can stay, if I want to leave.. Tim was really harsh and asked loads of difficult questions in his usual, smiley annoying way. But it doesn't matter- he's my supervisor, so he won't be on my actual viva if I make it that far. After saying I was going to carry on as normal this week, I was knackered after my upgrade, so I took Wednesday off, and basically did sod all yesterday. I'm still really tired, so back to full speed next week I think :). I've had a good week, its been nice to be able to sit infront of the TV playing the sims and knitting (not simultaneously though). We collected Andy's old TV from his house last night, so the olympic swimmers no longer perform in a purple pool under a purple sky, it's kinda dull.

I've also stuck to The Plan- that which guides and commands us (well, actually its my running timetable- from 0 to steady running in 6 weeks apparently!). Me and Jac have just finished week 1 of The Plan, and I'm actually enjoying it. Well, kindof. We went out in the rain today, and I was wearing a jacket that Andy has given me that is around 4 sizes too large, so makes it look like I've forgotten to put my shorts on :). Jac wanted to jog reeeealllllyyyy slllloooooowllllyyy today, which was a little frustrating. She went out yesterday to make up for not going Wednesday, so didn't want to overdo it. She managed to fall at the last junction, and land on her bum- which is bad since she fractured her bum bone 6 months ago. She told me to carry on without her, so I sprinted the last minute and felt beter for it- although I must have looked like a bitch going back into the house and saying 'no Jacqui's not with me, I left her injured in the street'. She's ok though. I might go out by myself tomorrowsince I don't think today was really intense enough. I have to push myself a bit otherwise I won't be fit enough for the 5k. Its great doing a new sport, especially since it gives me the oportunity to spend money I don't have on cool new gadgets :).

I should at least pretend to do some work now...

Sleepyness

A lot can change in a week. I thought I'd made my decision at last, and was definately going to leave, but then I accidentally found some motivation, and now I'm confused. Maybe all we need is a bit of positive feedback, although I get precious little of that, but when things do go well its amazing how much more interesting the project suddenly seems. I'll give it a bit longer, but I won't let myself get horrendously depressed and ill again- no job is worth that.

This will be a quick catch up post, since I'm knackered. I am really bad at making myself go to bed, even though I need tonnes more sleep than your average person. I made myself get up at 730 to go for a gentle run with Jac- we are in training for a 5k run in a couple of months or so, and it was our first day of training together. Amazingly I'm still alive:0), but I might be a bit achy tomorrow. I've never run before, always hated it in fact, but I actually enjoyed having a plan and sticking to it, and having someone with me to set the pace and motivate me. But let's see if we can keep it up. Hopefully cricket will be back on tonight too, it keeps getting cancelled because of the atrocious weather. I never went to cornwal either- I decided to leave running away until after I'd got my report in, and now I don't feel like I need to run away so much, plus the weather is crap in Cornwall (no floods where I want to go, but still).

Andy has passed his viva, and is now officially Dr. Smartypants, so I can say my boyfriend is a doctor, which feels good! He didn't really get very stressed about it. I think I was more stressed about handing my upgrade report in. Well, that's done now, and I have my meeting about it tomorrow.. should really be reading some papers, but spent the morning looking for a gameboy advance on ebay, oops. I'm too tired and sneezy. Damn it, I knew I was allergic to mornings!

Making Holes

I think the tempory relief and calm that came with making the decision to leave has worn off; reality has come flooding back. I'm pretty down about my situation again. I was also thinking about Andy too. I just keep wishing he'd taken the job he was offered in Germany. It was doing the same stuff he is going to do in America, with a really cool boss, but in a slightly dull town and less vibrant department. When he got offered it, I was so happy. I thought he would take it as a compromise, and I could see him every few weeks. But he didn't: his career is important to him, so he took the better position that is the other side of the world. People keep saying things about the way Andy is with me, and even he said he was taking me for granted. I thought I was over all this, but everything keeps cycling around in my mind.

It was our last cricket match of the season, and I let the side down with some appauling fielding. I did partially redeem myself with a sliding stop at the boudary, which has left me with an impressive grass streak down my white trousers, and a mild limp. We went for 'a quick drink' afterwards. I ended up in town with Pete and Ian. We stayed in the Alex for a while, and I paced myself- no Stella tonight :). It got to last orders, and Pete got a bottle of wine and we went back to his, where he played some viynl and we disected the match in comfy chairs. Hannah, who works in the library with Pete, texted him to ask him to come to the Dungeon (no prizes for guessing what kind of music they play there). Hannah is gorgeous, and has 20-odd piercings and waist-length dreds, so she looks a little out of place behind the help desk in the library. So we went out again, and met up with Ian's friend Dave. Ian was absolutely battered, and kept wandering off, but it was cool- a rock club!!! In southampton!!! Brilliant!!! Ok, it wasn't the Kray, but it was pretty cool. I danced until two, which was a good excuse for not getting in work till lunchtime- but the real reason was I just didn't want to come in. I had a little parcel waiting for me - mum has sent me Percy, a good luck penguin. So parents can be pretty cool sometimes, too.

No Return

I finally managed to get my application sent off, after a catalogue of 'technical difficulties' that made me want to hurl my computer at the wall. I feel like there is no going back now; now that I have spoken to one of my panel and he knows I'm unhappy I can't carry on here, but if I don't managed to find a place through clearing, what then? I'm very tired and woozy from all the stress I've felt over the last few days. I had a very long chat with my parents on the phone, and they were very supportive. I think they are both relieved that I'm sounding much more positive about things now. I should speak to Donna, too- I need to find someone to take my room if I do go, because I'll still be liable for the rent.

I'm going down to Bude on sunday, and coming back tuesday. I've emailed a campsite: I found one that sounds like a mixture of peaceful serene views, and cheezy late-night family entertainment. I'm going looking for tranquility, but a bit of cheeze is always good when you need to forget yourself. Or am I trying to remember myself; I'm not sure. Anyway, my head is full of things like packing, cooking enough pasta for 2 days, route planning, bikni selection and anticipation, when it should be full of sorting my life out. What I really need is to do some work, and to get some sleep. I'm exhausted.

A Step

I have almost sent off my online application, I just need to decide on who to put down as my referees. I also managed to pin down one of the guy's on my advisory panel. He was brilliant, and agreed with me that there is no point doing something that makes me unhappy, and that I'm not making any progress with. I was a bit nervous, and annoyed myself by saying 'basically' at the start of every statement, grr. He thinks I should look at the MPhil guidlines (there don't seem to be any) and see if its possible to submit for that award, because at least it will make me (and Tim) look better. I came away feeling positive, except at some point I have to talk to Tim, that's going to be hell.

I'm hoping to escape anyway, two days in Cornwall and away from Southampton, yipee :0)

Walking Away

Yesterday I felt really bad; just bewildered and hopeless. I left early having done nothing, and went home. I knitted for a bit, but my hand-eye coordination seemd to be all over the place and I was really struggling- damn rib stitch has me flummoxed anyway! I got some of my phtos from Prague and my sketch pad, intending to copy one of the old buildings in pencil. I never looked at the photo, and began to draw without any plan. It came out pretty f*cked up, with bodies and shadows and falling people, all watched over by an enourmous eye. I should post it for psychoanalysis. Andy came back and cooked, and I watched TV, refusing to engage with what I was seeing and be entertained by it. I said I was going to bed, but just lay for a while, sometimes crying, sometimes just staring at the ceiling. I wanted a hug, and to squash my head against Andy's warm skin. He wouldn't need to speak, just to hold me. I hesitated at the lounge door: Jac and Donna were still in there. I swore at my own stupidity, and made myself enter the room, and be part of the gathering. I chatted to Jac for a while about her holiday. Donna asked me if I was ok; said I looked tired. I was: unbelievable so, but my eyes were bleary from crying, not from tiredness. After we went to bed, I managed to have a proper chat to Andy. He misses the proper me too- the me that has life and a spark and an energy. The me that would go climbing and be spontaneous and seize opportunites. I'm trying to get that back, I really am. I think I have to make a change, get a new job, and at least give myself the chance to be happy and fulfilled. We talked about him leaving too. I said he might find it difficult and not want a long distance relationship; he conceeded this, but pointed out that maybe it won't happen and we will survive. I wish I could go with him, but with no prospect of a work permit I'd be completely reliant on him; I'd live my life through him, and neither of us want that.

I got a reply to the 'casual inquiry' I sent to St Martin's college about their PGCE. They are interviewing physics and chemistry teachers tomorrow, so I might have just missed the boat on that one- but I spent the whole day writing a CV and letter of application anyway, because there is a chance they might not fill all their places. Andy was wonderful; proof-reading for me, and making changes so instead of saying 'I am crap, please kill me' my letter now reads 'I am wonderful, please give me a job'. I have also began filling out the online application to go into clearing for PGCE places. Its a fairly hefty form, you have to pay, and, oops, I probably should tell my supervisors I want to leave. I am swept away by all this and it feels unreal at the moment, but a big part of me feels I am doing the right thing: my over-riding emotion is relief.

Inertia

I managed to waste the entire working day. I feel like I'm watching myself from a distance, like people do in movies when they are on the operating theatre and things go a bit wrong- only in this place there is no bright light calling me forwards. I have this huge list of jobs I must do, and absolutely no motivation to start them; I feel so spent and tired. I had a heart to heart with Anna- she is unhappy too, but she is stubborn and refuses to give up on her phd. I just feel like its time to find something I love and throw myself at it, and this isn't it: If I threw myself at my phd I'd just slide off and remain in a sticky heap at the bottom. I tried to go and have a chat with one of my panel, but he wasn't in. It took me ages to build up the courage to talk to him, only for me to literally come up against a locked door, and its left me drained. I spent a while browsing for jobs on the internet- I found a couple of places that might still have space on PGCE courses for this year- but it would mean starting next month so if I walk, I have to walk now. I really feel backed into a corner. Anna was playing Devil's advocate and asked me why, if I feel so determined that its not what I want, am I still here. I could answer that with one word: Inertia. I feel like crap so I'm going to walk in the rain until I feel cleansed of it all, and go home and carry on making things from flourescent pink wool.

Knitting and Going Bang

I had a really good weekend. Saturday night was Phil's stag day, and I went along.. I was forced to wear a dodgy stick-on 'tash as token female. Andy wore it for a while and looked like a lost member of the Village People. We spent a couple of hours on a clay pidgeon shoot, and it was really good fun. A couple of the guys assumed I'd be crap being token female, but I'm happy to report I got a very competative 20/30 in the contest. After the shoot, we had a bbq and a campfire with the hens- (well phil and Linda are both scout leaders, after all). This was mellow, but fun. After a while, Phil seemed to be spending more and more time sitting on a log forlornly, with his head in his hads, a sure sign that the vomit hour was fast approaching. He got sick, and the hens got busy putting the fire out with a frightning efficiency, much to the annoyance of the stags who were still upright. We took this as a sign that the party was over and drifted home.

Sunday was relaxing. I spent a bit of time weeding and chatting to Steph and Andy. After a while, it began to rain gently, and we stayed out, enjoying the sensation that the mugginess of the past few days was being washed away. Andy swung in the hammock, thus devising a new game of human skittles, with him as the ball and me as a pin. After I'd been dusted down, we went into town. I bought a kids' knitting set to give me something to swear at infront of the TV. I spent the evening knitting on the sofa, while Andy made crumble with plums and blackberries from our garden. Steph made the not entirely unreasonable comment that we seemed to be turing into our grandparents.

The Evils of Drink

God, what a night. I had a cricket practice at lunchtime, and was utterly dreadful. On my way to the match I was trying to clear my mind, compartmentalise my feelings the way men can, so all the shit is left for later and I can focus on the game. Its not a skill I have mastered yet. I got there and started to warm up with Andy, bowling a few of my slow girly deliveries at him. It wasn't much preperation for his job as opening batsman, and he hit me all over the park. I came running back, breathless and pink, only to find that our pitch was double booked, so we no longer had anywhere to play.
After ringing around for an alternative, we admitted defeat and went to the pub. I was in no mood for socialising, and all I really wanted to do was go home, eat and have an early night. I started on pints of wife-beater, which is never a great idea, but especially not on an empty stomache. My larger-limit is usually two pints; any more and I'm gaurenteed a head twice its normal size in the morning. I normally move on to single spirits with mixers after my two-pint plateau, but still, any more that about 7 units and I tend to be a little poorly in the morning. But I was trying to drink myself happy. Andy was being grilled by Damon and Tim about his new life in America. He got very interested when they mentioned a loop-hole for extending his 3 year visa to a ten year one. In my mind I was screaming at him 'you fuck, you are going to leave me and not come back ever'. He was detailing the cruises and field work he hoped to go on soon. I did a little mental arithmetic,
'so I won't see you for two months?'
'No, probably 3 months'. I smiled, but the corners of my mouth didn't actually move. I wanted to be home, curled up in bed, feeling cared for and comfortable, with the option of a walk along the beach with dad after tea. I wanted to be protected from the world like a child. I wanted to be anywhere but here. I swallowed all the hoplessness, hurt and devestation along with the stella, and for a while it worked. After a protracted moan about how much I hated my phd, we moved on to happier topics. After 5 pints, I went for a pee, but then found I couldn't stand up. I sat on the floor, and puked and cried, great shuddering sobs. I was utterly distraught, and unable to command my legs to lift my body up and take it home. Andy eventually came in and rescued me. I walked out shakily like a zombie, past all the metal heads listening to the thrash band that I had failed to notice. We made slow progress home, Andy occasionally steering me out of the path of cars and people, while wheeling his enourmous cricket bag. I was sick twice more, and woke at 6 am. I desperately wanted a shower and some food, but didn't want to get up until my housemates left at 830. I finally got up, and showered away the pukiness, then lay on the sofa watching T4, feeling physically ok, but mentally lost. I'm not sure how Andy feels about me now; I think he's forgiven me but I still feel terrible.

Broken Ties

Andy has probably handed in by now; this time in 2 weeks or so he'll be Dr. Andy. I'm so proud of him, but so scared too. Once he has qualified, its less than a month until he moves to Wyoming. Its just starting to hit me that the person I want to spend my life with, and would give my life for, is going to leave me. We'll still be a couple, but I'll miss the intimacy of waking up next to him, of just being around and not having to talk because the silence feels like home. I want to go with him, but I'd never get a visa unless we married- which isn't on the cards (maybe one day). I feel very lost and small, and like I'm trapped in a puzzle to which there is no easy answer.

Flip-flop giggles

Its hotter than hell today, and the air is thick with an unplesant stickiness that seems to coat everyone it passes over and suck the energy out of them. Its not pleasant in the office, but I don't care because my mind is elsewhere. I had a good evening: I sat on the sofa with Andy and watched Peter Kay on TV. Its a gig I've seen before, and I knew all the punchlines, but still, I laughed and laughed with a raw, feckless joy at the stupidity of it. It really lifted my spirits, and I haven't started work yet today so I'm still on a high. I'll do half an hour's work today, play cricket on the quad at lunchtime, work for a few hours and then I have a match and a couple of beers to look forward to this evening. I'm (illegally- health and safety issue- you may fatally stub your toe) wearing flip-flops in work. Its very satisfying to walk down the corridor and see the sheer irritation on people's faces as you flip and flop past their open office doors. I have noticed that my left foot flips and my right flops, consistently. I wonder if this is normal?

Andy will submit his thesis today, so I get my relaxed, wonderful boyfriend back today, in place of the distracted and distant person he has been over the last few months. I feel like the discomfort of work will be punctuated today with things I want to do, and this will break it down into bite-sized pieces. I can get through today without being sad and listless because of this. That's the plan anyway.

Resignation without Resolution

Really I should have started this six months ago. That's what the local Dr. in Charge of Crazy People (Southampton) would say anyway. He told me to write down how I was feeling, keep a journal of my emotions so we could spot if my fun bursts of abnormality occurred with any sort of pattern. Like maybe I get a little more crazy when Neptune is in ascension, or I eat processed cheese slices, or when Big Brother is on TV. Of course, being a stubborn Capricorn and Neptune being in ascension, I ignored him. He made me feel like I was wasting his time. 'Thanks for your visit, please come back when you are more crazy.' So I left hurt and frustrated, and cancelled all subsequent appointments. I felt that if he wasn't concerned with my erratic behaviour, then perhaps I shouldn't be either; maybe I could learn to cope with the hollow sadness, the bursts of uncomfortable, fast-paced nervous energy and the empty numbness. The numbness is the worst to cope with; its impossible to deal with a formless emotion- there is no correct reaction to a feeling you cannot name. After a few months of coping reasonably well, with the stabilising influence of my Beautiful Boy, I'm now in a slightly bewildered state. I'm currently being very nice to the Dr.'s receptionists to try and get reinstated as a patient. I'm also writing down how I feel here, because the Dr. told me to. All in all, I'm being a Well-Behaved Crazy Person, because I feel a sense of frustrated desperation, and I'm not sure what else to do... So that's why I'm here, pouring out my feelings, minor hangover fuzzy and listening to Linkin Park, like some horribly deformed teen cliche.

Anyone who knows me knows that I threaten to quit my PhD roughly once every two weeks. I simply don't have the mental energy to continue fighting for a cause I'm not dedicated to. I feel like I'm nibbling away at an impossible task, and I'm bored, frustrated and sick of feeling inferior, incapable and dwarfed by the enormity of the task. My peers are struggling too, but I don't take much comfort from this; the difference is that they are coping where I am not. I'm struggling to find an analogy: Imagine trying to eat your way through a field of corn; climb Everest with your feet tied together; find your way out of a maze blindfold. That just about covers it. I feel like a spring that has been stretched too far, and stress has taken all the bounce out of it. It's fairly joyless. Ever since I started here, I've had problems with both my mental and physical health. I'm just recovering from a two-month viral infection. It was this that forced me to face the ridiculousness of my situation. I'm tired of the crushing claustrophobia, tired of picking fights with Andy, tired of crying in the street. Something must give, and I don't want it to be me. And yet I'm still here. I'm not sure if its out of a sense of loyalty, a fear of being a failure, a reluctance to let go of my social life, or because of some small glimmer of interest and optimism about my project. I really don't know.

Its not all misery here though. My garden is beautiful now, something I can be really proud of and enjoy. I finally put my hammock up, and its like a little oasis of bliss in the turbulence of real life- even though its made of net so it causes rather unattractive arse-bulge in little diamond shapes. The cricket is coming along too- I stood up to Andy's ferocious bowling (well, ferocious compared to the 'there you go dear' style of the ladies). I also have good friends here, who try and force me to have fun against my will. Its a happy situation. If only I could get a good nights sleep though- 3 am this morning the NFBs next door let their dog out for a shit,
'There you go Rollo, Das a good boy... GOOD BOY!!'
The poor dog is probably mortified, thinking 'God, will you crazy foreigners just let me have a shit in peace, please!'

Anyway, that was traumatic (not least because blogger deleted most of this and I couldn't remember what I'd written). If I don't post for a few days I'm either working on my upgrade report (written once, but obviously not good enough to please The Boss), or I've gone away for a few days to clear my head. I don't know where. Anywhere. Just not here.